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From Inside the Flap
The President died today. Several Hollywood personalities, hundreds of union activists, assorted protestors, and a number of tinfoil hat wearing counter protestors also perished in the same bewildering incident.
The day started simply enough. America's first orange colored President along with dozens of other personalities from both the political and entertainment industries had put aside their differences to participate in a bipartisan charity fund raising picnic in New York's Central Park. The agenda included food, fun, speeches, and a sack race (the details of which needed to be clarified for former Congressman Anthony Wiener in order to avoid any embarrassing misunderstandings). The President was in the midst of kicking off the festivities with a rousing speech about "draining the swamp" when the sky went dark and the air turned literally electric. The current that ran through the crowd was not strong enough to hurt anyone but it did wreak havoc with every electronic device in the area, including the teleprompter.
Without the teleprompter to guide him, the most powerful man in the world resorted to making his points with a Barbie doll he had snatched from a girl in the audience. He used Barbie as a prop to show the onlookers what he believed was the proper place to grab a subordinate. As the POTUS was going dangerously off script, the Speaker of the House was shaking his phone and swearing, trying to send a panicked text to the director of OSHA about the "employee relations" lesson the leader of the free world was teaching a captive audience of children. Unfortunately the pulse had rendered his iPhone inoperable and no amount of profanity would undo the effects.
As quickly as it came the darkness was gone. After some brief moments of light, it was dark again. This maddening pattern repeated itself over and over again, and at an increasingly accelerated pace. To those in attendance it was like sitting under a city-sized ceiling fan.
When the assembly looked up to see what was casting such an annoyingly inconsistent shadow, they saw a large object spinning down from the heavens. It looked like a propeller blade-only it was roughly about the same size as the Queen Elizabeth II. Wonder at this strange happening turned to terror when it became clear that the object was picking up speed as it spun its way down towards the people.
Panic swept through the crowd as they did their best to run from the rotating object. Most couldn't escape. It was simply too large and moving way too fast. The thing went through the crowd in much the same way that a Cuisinart goes through low-grade meat-leaving Central Park looking like a slaughterhouse floor. Within minutes, Al Qaeda claimed responsibility for the disaster while NBC News did their best to blame the whole thing on the previous Presidential administration. As it turned out, the truth had nothing to do with terrorists or American politics. The origins of this disaster came from a place that only comic book fans and those with advanced degrees in quantum physics were ready to accept.
Scientists examined the ocean liner sized propeller and determined that it was a Fraxinus from an ash tree. During a Nightline interview a prominent dendrologist savored his moment in the sun. This was the one time in his life that he could look down his nose at a general public that didn't know what a "Fraxinus" was (or a dendrologist for that matter) without finding himself on the wrong end of a wet willy. He took great pleasure in flexing his intellectual muscle while explaining that a Fraxinus was one of those helicopter seeds that most people have played with at some point in time during their childhoods. His best guess was that the seed was related to the "Fraxinus Excelsior" tree, which is a variety of ash tree that is mostly found in Norway.
Despite the protests of MSNBC anchors that kept insisting that somebody should hire a special prosecutor to find out who was involved in the whole incident, the facts were out. A mysterious deciduous tree had managed to kill a bunch of politicians along with most of the former cast members of Desperate Housewives by dropping a seed on them. The Vice President assumed control of the government and hoped that his Botox would kick in before the first of his televised Oval Office "fireside chats" with the public.
The seed was subsequently moved to a secure facility in Nevada. When asked where they had moved it, one source close to the military (and speaking on conditions of anonymity), stated that they certainly had NOT moved it to the Air Force base known as Area 51. He then panicked and backtracked on the statement, flatly and emphatically denying the existence of any base in the Mojave Desert called Area 51. Eventually he was given a paper bag and instructions to breathe deeply into it before he backpedaled to the point where he disavowed the existence of Nevada altogether. The end result, of course, was that everyone who considered an alien probe an appropriate gesture of greeting knew where the government was hiding the seed.
While scientists wracked their brains over the question about how a giant seed could fall from a cloudless sky and kill the leader of the free world, they fell into the same intellectual trap that has snared the scientific elite for generations. In short, they completely disregarded ancient texts and myth as a source of legitimate information. Had "intellectuals" of past and present eras not completely ignored what their ancestors had to say on a wide variety of subjects, the discovery of America would not have taken a guy like Columbus so completely by surprise. In the case of the killer seed, had researchers looked backwards to ancient Norse texts they would have known exactly where the seed had come from. Instead they just scratched their heads over the problem, invented scenarios that didn't rule out alien drive-by attacks on New York, and subsidized a lifestyle of red convertibles and girls named "Savannah" with their research grants.
At the same time that people with expensive PHDs were looking for answers with giant telescopes and theories that had the word "quantum" worked into their titles, it was the community of Comic-Con enthusiasts who came across the answer. These people were raised on ancient myths, comic books, and Hitchhiker's Guide novels. So when something this inexplicably odd happened they were mentally equipped to take a serious look at what the ancients had to say about how the universe works. In the writings of Snorri Sturluson they not only found an answer to the question of the seed's origin, but also discovered a name to attach to it-Yggdrasil. It wasn't long before information about the mythological world tree, Yggdrasil, was popping up all over blogs and podcasts.
This was a hard sell to most of the intellectual elite. Reasonable scholars stopped taking the thoughts of the Norse on nature and creation seriously when those early Vikings decided that man was licked into being from a giant block of salt by a celestial cow. After that, all their existential ideas were lumped into the "hokum" column and dismissed. Of course myth and reality collided when a seed took out an entire park full of politicians and their supporters. Myth now had to be considered in the discussion about history and science. Those who wished to understand this history should start where the Norse started, with a tree.
Blood Moon Publishing is an imprint of Double Dragon Publishing